Saturday February 6, 2010 Image

What a powerful word. I often think of how my image of myself would compare with the image others have of me. I believe we all have a variety of images in our lives. I think if you asked my neighbors what they thought of me, you would get an answer different from the one my work colleagues would give. I know there are many in the world who believe me to be a fairly together, well adjusted and confident woman. Sorry folks, that’s really not my image of me. Our self image recipe comes from every single aspect of our lives. As adults, we have to take a cup of childhood self worth, a pound of teenage angst, a heaping tablespoon of media influence and so on to make up how we think of ourselves and then, how we present that image to the world. Then the world cooks it all up and creates its own opinions.

When I was growing up, I had a number of conflicts in my heart, head and home. I was what would be called the “fat kid” in my family. I find it ironic that the teasing and mockery about my weight came from inside my home rather than from school mates as is the norm. This isn’t a statement of blame or intended to harm anyone. It’s more about how what is said in an attempt to help can be so wrongly misinterpreted in the moment. It’s amazing to me how so many years later, a little song a family member made up and sang very loudly, very often, now comes in to my head as I’m on the treadmill.

The public image of my family was very different from what I knew to be true. When I was a kid, what happened in your home, stayed in your home. We didn’t have families showing up on Jerry Springer to air dirty laundry. Many of my friends had similar issues where the image of their home life was vastly different than what went on behind closed doors. In retrospect, you think back and wonder why your friend’s mom never came out of her bedroom or why you never interacted with the father. What was the story with the aunt living in the basement bedroom? Why did one kid in the neighborhood always seem to lurk at other houses at mealtime? I’m pretty sure that in our electronic, gotta have it now world, more people know more about each other than ever before. I’m not sure that is such a good thing.

I’ve recently discovered how easy it is to make judgments and create opinions on the image people portray online. We have created a society that decides self worth in under a minute based solely on a picture and a paragraph. We discard people because they don’t look how we want them to look or are not great writers. I’ll admit I do it too. I have a friend who felt I needed a push to the next phase in my life and set up an account on an online dating site. She posted a picture and wrote a bit about me. I found this out when e-mails began coming to my mailbox touting, my ideal match had been found! I quickly scanned the photo and the first line or 2 and moved to the next. Nope, nobody there for me. Then I realized, these “matches” had not made the choice to contact me. We had been matched based on some unknown criteria. Each of us was sent the others information and it was up to us to make the first move. I panicked at the thought of these men actually attempting to make contact with me. What was I supposed to say or do? Did people really meet this way? Was I even ready? As I continued to dabble in this new frontier, I began to discover some interesting if not funny things about men. OK, I know a lot of funny things about men but I think I am beginning to learn more about how they think.I love the profile that begins with a statement like, “I want a lady who is willing to put my needs above all else”. The next line talks about his love for his cats. No way. There was the guy who described himself as highly intelligent, wealthy, well educated, well connected, successful in business, a great father and so on. He is looking for a female (yes he used that word) with no higher education, no outside interests, looking to “be faithful to me but understand my need for exploration”. What the heck in my profile matches this garbage? I have to say he closed our connection almost immediately. His reasoning, the distance between our hometowns was too great. He lives in the next town over from mine. If you have the chutzpa to post a profile like that, have it to say you aren’t interested in a suggested match. The men that post that they are athletic crack me up. Many are but some of them look to have been athletic at some point in their lives but it hasn’t been in the last 20 years by the looks of their pictures. The pictures that show a guy with “a few extra pounds” or “husky” are so funny when accompanied by the request for a woman described as 5’ to 5’7, slender, 125-135lbs. He’d crush her like a bug. At one point I was changing my photo and as it was reviewed by the online powers that be, I was matched, picture-less. I was amazed to see the number of picture- less matches that contacted me, not to get acquainted but to say basically, let me see your picture and then I’ll let you know if you are worthy. Next time I see my late husband… he’s getting an earful for putting me in this position. This may not be the path I should be taking at this point, but at least it good for a laugh or two.

As I’ve walked through this journey my image of myself has changed drastically, both mentally and physically. I’m slowly changing from a wife and companion to wrapping my head around thinking like a single woman. I’m working hard to break my life down from everything being for a couple, to being for just one. I find myself having to think before answering personal questions so that I don’t give the answers that come to mind first. It’s interesting and very difficult to change your way of thinking. It’s going to take some time. At the end of October, I decided I need to physically change as well. Thanks to some great support from friends and family, I’ve had a significant weight loss and work out almost every day. I’ll just say, I’ve lost as much weight as my 6th month old Lab/Sheppard weighed in at the vet this week. As I’ve changed my thinking about my status, I’ve changed my thinking about food and how I eat. People have noticed and that’s great. My clothing is ridiculously too big. But as I walk past a mirror, I still don’t look. In my teenage years, I learned to look only at my face in the mirror. Because I believe I will only and always see the “fat-kid looking back at me, I avoid the disappointment. But the other day I was at a store. It was crowed and as I shuffled down an aisle, a lady with a cart pressed past me. I was forced to turn and face a full length mirror. I almost jumped back thinking there was someone on that side of me as well. But, no… it was me. I took a good long look. Looked up and down. I felt some confusion at what I saw. It wasn’t the “fat-kid”. It was an ok looking 49 year old woman. I discovered lines in my face that I hadn’t seen before. Where were those pesky double chins? Where those bones showing on my neck? As I turned I felt my face flush… where the heck was that sizable ass? It actually looked…not horrible, maybe even something close to ok. Walking away from the mirror I knew I’d quickly revert back to the old mental image I had swirling in my head. But maybe that’s not the worst thing. Maybe that image will always need to be somewhere in my head. Maybe the intended outcome of that terrible little song sung to me so many years ago, was having its intended effect. Maybe all of these things are what I need to find and embrace the image I want to achieve and portray for the next chapter of my life.

I hope so…