Friday 12/11/2009 snow

This week my little neck of the woods saw its first measureable snow. Well at least I think we did. I left work much later than normal and as I walked to my car big fluffy flakes began to fall. It was crisp and cold and just the kind of night you would much rather be in front of a fireplace, snuggled up with someone special. I was getting into a cold car with only the prospect of snuggling up to my getting-bigger-every-second puppy. Ok I’ll admit she’s soft and warm and a pretty good snuggler but some of her ill timed nips really catch me off guard and yowza they hurt. Because she’s been in her crate for a few hours she needs to be played with as soon as I get home in order for her to be ready to climb in bed with me when I get sleepy. So the cuddle in front of the fireplace isn’t gonna happen anytime soon. Anyway, as I drove home the snow was getting ridiculously thick and it looked as if it had been snowing for hours. The roads were a mess and I was getting scared. I couldn’t see any ruts in the snow that I could follow and the snow was falling and blowing at me making it very hard to drive. Once I got off the main highway, it seemed to let up just a bit to ease many of my fears. Given how tired I was and I guess I would add stressed, both from the long day at work and the drive… my thoughts began to turn to snow storms in the past.

I've always loved a snow storm. I grew up in the Great Lakes region and learned 2 very important weather terms very early in life: Lake effect snow and wind chill factor. I lived where both terms could be jubilation or sorrow. Jubilation as the lake effect snow dumped and extra 6, 8 or 10 inches of snow causing schools to close and sorrow as it wasn’t until I think I was in high school that the powers that be understood that kids should not stand outside waiting for a school bus when it’s -70 wind chill. I can still feel that spine snapping, throat tightening zap of cold, those mornings brought. I was most fortunate to have survived the blizzards of 1979. I had planned to graduate a semester early from High School. Nope, not that I was a wiz kid or anything like that… it was pure self preservation. I loved high school… not the classes, not the learning; nope I loved the socializing… I knew that if I had a reduced schedule for the 2nd semester, more free time during the school day, I would really mess it up and possibly not graduate. So I’d love to say at this point that I buckled down and worked my ass off but, not so much. As the holidays approached, I somehow kept forgetting to go to class. I don’t really remember why but suddenly there was a letter home saying that because I ditched class I was being given 3 days of in-school suspension. Ok so what sense does that make? I hated Ms. Ienichner’s class so I ditched and then as punishment... I don’t “get” to go to her class for the 3 days before Thanksgiving. Oh darn! That really hurt. The cool thing was I had 6 hours each day to catch up on all the stuff I was falling behind in. I kept the pace up until the Christmas holiday break. I knew if I could skate through the 3 weeks after the holidays, I’d make it and graduate. We were slated to go back to school the first Monday of the New Year. However on Sunday we had the first of 2 or 3 major snow storms. Some crazy number of inches fell in record time. It was the wet heavy snow that causes all types of problem. The cleanup was slow, schools was closed for Monday and Tuesday. By Tuesday evening we were being hit with round 2 and schools were closed for the week. Friday the cleanup was progressing nicely until the next storm dumped 20 new inches of snow on top of the already dangerous amount on the ground. School was closed for a second week. But lightning didn’t strike a 3rd time and we went back to school for what should have been finals week. We were supposed to take our finals and then graduate the following Sunday. It was decided that finals for the general students were delayed 2 weeks. But they could not delay graduation. Some kids were registered for collage classes beginning the next week. So we were told to go discuss with our teachers our grades or what had to be completed to get a final grade. Bonus!!! I could so talk my way to graduation... and in some cases I did. Then came the wrinkle… I had never actually finished Freshman Biology and it had slipped through the cracks. I met with Mr. Oak… Mr. Oak was one of those guys that wanted you to think he was a jerk but in truth was a great guy who loved his wife, his kids and teaching. He told me I had to take the final the next morning and in order to pass the class; I basically had to get an A. I studied so hard but knew the odds were stacked against me. But I showed up bright and early. Mr. Oak approached me with a huge stack of papers. The room was set up with stations of slides and fetal pigs and other never needed in my lifetime before or since biology crap. I took my seat; Mr. Oak actually offered me a cup of coffee. It was meant as a reassuring gesture but it scared the heck out of me… He handed me the test packet and said to only turn it over when I was told to and he left the room. My head was spinning. I was supposed to give the benediction at graduation. I hadn’t started writing it and now I thought that might be a sign. I thought it was a sign that maybe I couldn’t write it because I knew deep down I wouldn’t be there to present it. After an eternity, Mr. Oak came back in the room. Turn the test over he said in his quirky voice…. Shaking, I turned it over… in big bold letters it said… Spell the word BIOLOGY. There was a #1 and a line for my answer. I wrote B-I-O-L-O-G-Y and turned the page. Nothing... not on that page or any of the other 15 pages. On the 16th page in Mr. Oak’s block penmanship it said... “You got an A... now go out and do the best you can to have a fabulous life”. I so clearly remember he walked over to me, kissed my cheek and said “good luck”. My heart was bursting, not because I had passed but because for one of the first times in my life I understood what it meant to truly enjoy, the joy of others. I knew how good he felt and that made me want to have that feeling too. In that moment I also knew just what I was going to say for the benediction. It took me about 15 minutes to write and a second to get the approval from Dr. Hoffman the Administrator. I’ve had this happen again recently. I had decided to do my husband’s eulogy. I felt I was the one who knew him best and it was my duty. I decided this very early Saturday morning after he had died just hours before. I had no idea if this was the proper thing to do or what I should say. I called the folks at the Pastoral care office at the hospital. They had been so kind. They gave great tips and provided some pointers that came in handy. But I still didn’t know what to write. I thought about it all day Saturday and Sunday… I couldn’t come up with anything. This was a rich, full and wonderful life my husband had shared with me and I couldn’t get a thought together to honor him. The service was scheduled for Tuesday. By Monday evening I was drained and couldn’t think clearly. I was so tired and sad and if I’m being honest, lost. I was about to let many people down, least of all was myself. I was feeling overwhelmed and decided I needed air. My house was so full of people who loved him and I needed to breathe and not talk about the past 4 days or the past 30 years. As I stood at the front door, the police officer who was with me as they tried to save my husband came around the garage. I was so relieved that he was there. I didn’t know why until later but for having just met this young man a few days before, I felt deeply connected to him. He was the only person in the world I didn’t have to explain to what had happened. As he came in I hugged him and felt myself exhale. We chatted and he met some of my family. I thanked him again and I will continue to thanks him as time goes on. He said something to me about me being awesome and if there was anything I needed, I actually don’t remember. What I do remember was that I got the same feeling I had years before on that most snowy day, with Mr. Oak. I had the feeling that this young cop knew he had made a difference when he was with me that terrible morning and he was proud to do it. As we said good bye with the promise of talking again I knew what I had to do… I had to honor the man I loved so deeply for so long by telling the world all the wonderful things about him they may not know. The journey we had taken together would be the cornerstone of his eulogy. I knew then that like Mr. Oak, my husband had taught me to bring out the joy in those around me. Like the young officer, my husband showed me how to care for someone I really didn’t even know but immediately connected with. What I had agonized over for 4 days… took about 20 minutes to write. I was proud of what I was able to express. I was able to open up avenues for others at the service to piggyback on and say what was in their hearts to say about him.

So I arrived home on that snowy night earlier this week and let my puppy out. She looked back at me as she stepped into the wet snow, possibly looking for some explanation. The she got excited and started jumping and playing and sliding. At one point she slid off the end of the deck and looked up at me as if I had done something to cause her to end up on her back. We played for a bit and went to bed. Very early the next morning she needed to go back outside, nature calls. As I opened the door… no snow? It was 43 degrees and there was no trace of the snow we had played in just a few hours before. For a moment I thought I was dreaming. But as the weather is here, I should not have been surprised. My pup was a bit disappointed. But she will learn that there will be storms of all kind that come in to and out of her life. Just as I have learned so completely that there are people who come into and go out of our lives. Some hang out for awhile… some leave before you are ready. I hope I give joy to those I meet and I take joy from our meeting. I think if I can do that more than not… I’ll be just fine.

I hope so…