Tuesday 11/24/2009 PITA

Some of you are already thinking this is about food…. But nope, it’s not.
I enjoy having great banter with just about everyone. I love to tease and be teased. I have such a strange sense of humor that sometimes I hear or see things so differently than others that it gets me in trouble. I am a glass half full girl and generally assume everyone is telling me the truth at all times. So having spilled all that, I have to say that I can also be a huge pain in the ass. My late husband used to call me, as a term of endearment, a PITA.

I’m not good with surprises. At least when the surprise is on me… Oh, I love to surprise people and have done so very successfully many times. When my husband and I were in our commuter marriage years, I’d surprise him by flying in during the day, cleaning up his place, making dinner and being there when he came home. We would have a great unexpected night and I’d fly back in time to get to my office the next morning. Every so often my husband would call me in the early evening and sound sad. He would tell me how he had hoped all day that I was secretly planning a “pop-in” but was so sad to come home to an empty house, an empty tummy and an empty bed. A few years back my husband and sisters planned a surprise birthday brunch for me. The plan was to have my mom and sisters come in to town and hide out at the restaurant we had already planned to visit for brunch. I would walk in and “surprise”! But the day before, my husband was offering to dust, vacuum and wipe down the powder room. The more I suggested we wait until the next day, the more he protested that he needed to take care of the tasks right then and there. Something was up. I dogged him. I started asking questions in an effort to get to the bottom of his sudden domestic insistence. Based on his answers, I began to put the pieces together. I knew something was up and I wanted to be sure. I came out and asked him... who or what was being planned for my birthday? Of course he said no one but there was just the slightest hesitation in his voice so I wouldn’t let it go. I kept on him until he had no option but to tell me. While I was relieved, I was disappointed in myself for being a… PITA and ruining his surprise. I did run around like a mad woman to get my house in order for the next day.

I tend to be the same in business. I’ll grab on to a problem or project and throw myself in to it at all costs. My biggest issue is that I assume everyone is the same as I am… but they are not. I end up picking up the slack or taking over the whole project in an effort to achieve. So my drive, enthusiasm or passion is mistaken for me being a pain in the ass. Maybe I am ,but there is no malice or ill will implied.

I have found that in the past 8 months my PITA ranking has slipped. Am I letting more roll off my back these days? I’m really not sure. I know what bothered or upset me before is of almost no consequences to me these days. But what didn’t bother me before in some cases makes me crazy now. Is it because I have no one to be a pain to? No that can’t be it. I know I have people in my life who think of me as a pain. I push people and prod people and ask a lot of questions. I guess I do that to learn and understand. But I also understand that to some it’s just me being a pain. I think that now I step back a bit from what I used to gravitate towards. I have found myself closing my circle and selecting just a very few people to remain inside. I know that to my sisters especially, I may be reaching an elevated PITA status. I have a few friends who may soon hit the panic button as I make their lives difficult. I hope they do... I might need the wake up call. My husband would occasionally wake me up. I need that. I think we all do. We need someone in our corner who can tell us when we are crossing the line in the sand.

A few weeks after my late husband and I started dating, he turned to me at a bowling alley and asked me if I wanted to get married, that night, right then... Long story short we opted for dinner instead. The next day we were at the mall shopping for a Christmas gift for his Mother when we went into a jewelry store. He asked the clerk to show us engagement rings. I was sure he was just kidding so I went along with it. I kept telling the sales girl that he was kidding and that she shouldn’t get too excited. I picked out a beautiful set and he began talking about financing and I dragged him out of the store. The following day I came home to find Mrs. Fields cookies and a note from him. I panicked… the only place he could have purchased the cookies was at the mall. What business did he have at the mall? We had found the gift for his mom… Did he go back and get the rings? Was he serious in his proposal? We had been dating only 2 weeks! As I walked into his apartment later that day I heard him on the phone telling someone he was getting married. Again I panicked. You see, this was December and he had broken up with the girl he had lived with for 3 plus years only 2 months before. Was he getting married to her? OMG! He tried to play it cool but I had to know. I peppered him with questions, but none of them were direct questions. About an hour after I began my interrogation, he called me a PITA for the first of many, many times. I asked about the girl. What had happened to her? Had he seen her? Was she still living in the area? He wouldn’t give me a straight answer. I switched tactics. Tell me about the Mrs. Fields cookies. I asked. I poked and prodded until he had no excuse but to pull my engagement ring out of his pocket and kind of toss it to me in frustration. I had my answer, but had ruined his moment. I called myself a pain in the ass.

We laughed many times over the years at the events of that night. I suppose I’ll always be a pain to those that don’t know me or my passion and drive. I really think this may be a problem when it comes to meeting and beginning a relationship with another man. While my husband thought this was quirky and funny… not so sure it will translate the same way to someone else. Now I’m thinking I shouldn’t have to worry about what a potential mate thinks, but I know I will when the time comes. I just a bit taken a back that as I write this I am tearing up and feeling the loss of having someone to be a pain to. Good God, will this ever stop sneaking up on me? I'm fearful that I may overcompensate to someone new in order to see if they pick up my PITA vibe. That could be both dangerous and awkward. I tend to be the same with my kids but at this point, they have their own well defined coping mechanisms, allowing them to deal with me. I guess a key insight to me and how I tick is that I will generally not be a PITA to things, people or situations I don’t care or have feelings for. So please, if you think I’m a PITA, know I care about you. Also know that if I become too much to deal with, you have my permission to tell me. I’ll always appreciate the wake up.

I hope so…