Tuesday 11/03/2009 A letter to my Husband

Honey,

It’s been almost 8 months since you left. I’ve missed you.

I wanted to tell you something and didn’t know how before today. I wanted to tell you that I lied to you. I’m sorry. The night you died, I held you so tight. I said to you that it was ok if you had to leave. I lied. It wasn’t. I said we would be ok… I want to take everything I said back. I want you back. Please don’t think I’m sitting at home wallowing in self pity and self doubt. I’m not, well most days I’m not. But I’m sorry I lied when I said it was ok if you had to leave. I thought I meant it and maybe at the time I did. But really, I was kidding myself.

So much has happened since you left. How’s Max? I’m sure you weren’t surprised that I had to make the decision to send him your way. Let’s talk about decisions… You left me with so much to decide. It isn’t fair that I have to make absolutely every decision that has to be made. Quite frankly it sucks and I blame you. I also thank you. During our lives together, you challenged me to think things through, weigh out the good or bad of a situation and make decisions based on my head as well as my heart. Learning that has helped me tremendously.

Our kids are doing ok. They miss you. We are at the point now where we can talk about you with both good and bad memories and thoughts. I like that they both seem to have a clear understanding of the man you were and weren’t. You’d get a kick out of the perfect man you have become to some people. I’ll admit it pisses me off sometime to hear people say how wonderful you were. You were and I’m the first to sing your praises. But you know as well as anyone you had your faults and issues. You’d also be one to jump on how many people have said that I was so lucky that you loved me. Weren’t we always saying how lucky we both were?
Many believe that you are watching over me. Most days I believe that too. But I’m not sure I believe that you now have a hand in everything that happens to me. Please don’t forget our pact. You’re supposed to find someone just as amazing as you are, for me to continue my life journey with... you didn’t forget that did you? You promised. Ok, and let’s talk about the promises you made me… I have to admit, you promised me a lifetime of love. I should have read the fine print. You must have meant your lifetime, not mine. So I guess you kept that promise. You never promised to grow old with me and long ago I thought that was strange. Now I’m glad you didn’t. It’s one less thing for me to be mad about. I am mad at you. I’m not mad that you died. I’m just mad that you can’t hold my hand or sing me one of your silly little made up songs. I’m mad that I have to go through all the crap we went through 30 years ago. I’m mad that I have to explain to someone new all the strange things about me. I’m mad that no one will ever tease me about the way I put on a shirt or understand my issue with pajamas. I’m mad that I’m terrified about being intimate with someone…new. But aside from being mad, I’m scared. I’m too young for this crap and too old to accept it all with grace and oh God, charm?
Having just blasted you with how mad I am at you, I need to say that you should be proud. You should be proud of who I have become since you left. I get sad and blue sometimes and I ache to feel the touch of your hand. But I’m stronger now than before. I think I listen to people more intently. I know I listen to myself like I never have before. I’m much more cautious now and that may not be a good thing. I’ve done something’s to keep your spirit alive. I think you would be proud. I’d give almost anything to hear you say that to me. I’ve started writing. I kept hearing you say “write it, do it” as you had been saying to me for years when I would tell you about a story that was clunking around in my head. I know the few thing I wrote when you were here made you laugh and you gave great tips on changes or editing. You’ve provided me with an amazing array of stories and I thank you. It been a great outlet for me and helped a few folks along the way as well.

Well, I think I’ve said all I can for now. There’s a line from a Michael Buble song that goes, “I feel just like I’m living someone else life… it’s like I just stepped outside when everything was going right”. That sums up how I feel these days. It’s not sad but not 100% happy. I’m optimistic for the future but would gladly go back to the past. Thank you for allowing me to love you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the laughter, the tears, the secrets and the millions of kisses. I remember what you used to put on card you gave me when we first started this journey… yesterday, today and forever. I’ve learned that our forever isn’t measured on a calendar, it’s held gently in my heart.

I will always love you,