Friday - 8/21/2009 Tee Shirts

A dear friend’s mother has passed away. I am so sorry for the loss to my friend and her family. I, on some level understand what she is going through or do I? I am somewhat conditioned to accept death when someone is older. The exact definition of older changes every year, surprisingly just around the time of my birthday. But when I hear that someone with 30 or 40 more years of life experience than me dies, I find I may be sad but understanding. My head and my heart are in balance and I automatically want to become the one who comforts and cares for the loved ones left behind. I say all of this with the understanding that I have not yet walked in those shoes. For the first time I am a bit worried about attending a funeral. Given recent events in my life, I have true mixed emotions. As I write this, I am notified of the passing of a former employee. The employee was a quiet woman who was most often mistaken for being unfriendly. How untrue. She was gentle and kind and told wonderful stories about her life and past experiences. My position dictates that I attend at least a portion of her services. I would attend regardless. But this too gives me a bit of angst. I must admit that it isn’t the sadness of death that is creating concern for me. I feel the muscles in my neck tense and I mentally begin to plan the steps I need to take to be sure to honor both of these women, so different, yet at heart the same.

My emotions are purely selfish. They are all about me and on some level I am ashamed. But, I have come to understand a few things recently. When I arrive at certain places or events, there are questions. I suspect the questions to sound something like, Oh, she’s here… why is she wearing that? Has she lost weight? Has she gained weight? Why is she tan? Do you think she looks pale? Do you think she looks happy? Doesn’t she look sad? Is she still wearing her rings? Why is/isn’t she wearing her rings? Have you talked to her? How does she sound? Is she sleeping enough? Is she sleeping too much? Do you think she’ll start dating? Do you think she’ll re-marry? And so on and so on. I’ll also get… the look. I’ve mentioned the look before. Once someone either recognizes me or is introduced to me and given the dreaded new addition to my name... a widow, the head leans slightly to the left, chin down, sad eyes, voice lowers and sometimes I get the quivering lip. Without question I then become…”Oh, poor (insert name here)”….

I was at a party a few months ago, standing in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee. I was so enjoying a conversation with a young man I did not know. We had been bantering back and forth for about 10 minutes. I was enjoying the moment and found this young man to be fascinating. A relative came in and began making introductions. With all innocence assumed, I was introduced and then referenced by the statement, you know, the brother in law that died? This is his wife. Suddenly I wasn’t just a guest or family member or friend. I was someone fragile. Immediately, the look and then this young man suddenly had no knowledge of how to continue a conversation he was excelling at 45 seconds before. Now please don’t get me wrong. I know this is all out of love and compassion. But I feel as though I am a distraction. I feel as if I should carry a sign or card with a disclaimer on it. Back when I was newly pregnant in the early 1980s, there was a tee shirt that said... “I’m not fat... I’m pregnant.” The shirt was designed I imagine to explain the newly widened backside or possible baby bump that may not clearly indicate new life being created vs. the welcoming of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey in excess. What would or should my tee shirt say? Can I wear it to every social event going forward? Could it say, “Yes she lost her best friend and she is sad but she will move forward and be what her best friend wanted and believed her to be”? Maybe it should say, “yes, I’m sleeping, I’m tan, I’ve been working out, I’m not sure if happy is the way to describe me but I’m ok. My rings come and go depending on the day and the rest I’ll just figure out as it happens”. Pretty big tee shirt, might have to use both sides.

So I will go to honor these women. I’ll put my big girl pants on and do whatever I can to comfort my friend and her family and my employee’ children. I will smile and know that people are asking questions and I will pray that I am not a distraction to the celebration of the live of these beautiful ladies. I will go forward in an effort to live a full life. I believe at some point I’ll just become me again. Not me the widow. Sadly, that also signals the end of me… the wife and best friend.

In reality I want my tee shirt to say “thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love, care and compassion, it and you mean the world to me". I bet it will all fit on one side.

I hope so…