Thursday - 8/13/2009 Attraction

The thing about attraction is that it can be so many different things to each of us. Is it a scent? The way someone looks? A great smile, a great chest or a great ass? Something in a voice? Some one's laugh? To me it's all of this, every second of the day, every day of my life. I have found that whatever it is inside of me that causes me to be attracted to men is on super warp speed with a dash of hyper sensitivity. It's almost embarrassing. Since becoming a widow, I find that almost all men, without exception all men, big men, small men, cute men, old men, men who may not choose to be men, men that like men better than they would ever like me, young men, stupid men... I hope you are getting the point. I'm attracted to them. Within the first few weeks of my new life I followed a man around the grocery store simply because he asked me if ground chuck was better than ground beef. I thought of ways I could prepare his choice of beef. I thought about what we would do on our first date, how we would share the story of our meeting fondly with our friends and family. Was he cute? Have all his teeth? Walk upright without his knuckles scrapping the floor? Who knows. I was too busy planning a future with him. I strategically placed myself a few isles ahead of him assured he would be thinking about finding me again in the milk section and the rest would be blissful history. Yea, not so much. His significant other approached him as he was making a critical but ultimately incorrect yogurt decision. I remember watching her take the offending yogurt choice out of the cart, laugh at his ineptness and grab the correct yogurt, touching his arm in a revoltingly charming way. I got a little dizzy at what I had just put myself through... Was this how I really was going to spend the next 30 or 40 years? Following strangers around Kroger? Good golly miss molly no! Well actually, the next time it was Target. Too much would be added to my humiliation bucket but it involved an air mattress and a wedding registry. I can't even tell you about following someone in their car one night after they held a door for me at Starbuck's. Much to my shock and dismay, we have decided not to marry. Help me, please.

But I need attention. I was paid an extraordinary amount of attention over the past 30 years. I'm one of those women who never wants you to make a fuss about me... but I really do. High maintenance I guess, but the worst kind... I deep down really don't get or think that I am an HM woman. Being an HM is dangerous stuff. I set myself up for disappointment at every turn. But oddly I'm not always that disappointed. I have a huge "flirt" gene. But that too has changed. I've discovered that I cannot flirt and/or be flirted with as I have for my entire life. I blush, get flustered and tongue tied. Not an effective part of the flirt process. After careful investigation as to why this art has been removed from my bag of tricks, I think I've figured it out. For 30 years I could flirt my ass off because, I had a safety net. I had a 6 foot 4 inch safety net that would catch me if I fell or pull me out of the street if a car was coming when I crossed. If I flirted with someone and it was not mutual, making the interaction, in a word lame, I could tell my net man and we would laugh. And he would flirt with me. If it was mutual I would still get word to the net man and because I was feeling good about myself, attractive to another human other than the net man, I had an internal..boost. The net man felt good too I think. But I knew however the flirt went.. I was safe. Safe to return to being a mom and a wife and a friend. The net man is gone. I've tried to flirt in groups, with good strong friend around but they just don't have the net man touch. The reality is they just don't know how to handle me. I do need to be handled. I need to be told when I need to step it up or cool it down. I need a new handler and a new net man.

One more word on attraction. I am not a technical person at all. I recently got a new phone and because I didn't save some of my numbers on the SIM card I lost them.. whatever? When it said save I said yes. Anyway I tend to get calls with just the number, no names. So one evening I get a text and I figured it's one of the friend who's number I no longer have. The text simply said "hey". I responded.. "what's up" They responded "who's this?" I responded "you texted me who is this?". They responded "Morgan.. a friend gave me his number and I think I entered it wrong" I responded "no problem.. have a good night" About 10 minutes later I get another text. They respond "how old are you?" I responded "much older that you I'm sure" Now I'm in shock.. am I being picked up by some amazingly handsome, incredible rich and intelligent guy named Morgan? I was sure of it. Oh no, 10 minutes later and no response... what did I say? How could I have ruined this wonderful relationship we were building? I was on the brink of shock, sadness and heartbreak. They responded(pure bliss) "how do you know if u r older if you don't tell me". OK, breath.. you can do it.. it's like fishing.. reel him in... I respond "45+". Waiting, waiting.. the response is taking too long what could be happening in my texter's rich, highly educated, going to come riding down my street on a white horse to rescue me mind? So I had to do it... I googled his phone number...... Up pops a Myspace page for... 16 year old Dan aka Dan the Man a high school sophomore. Just then... They respond.."wow u r too old for me". I respond "have a good life". So much for attraction. I think I can get it under control.

I hope so.