Tuesday - 8/11/09 I hope so

Today I begin blogging.

I'll need to bring you up to speed. I am a late 40 something, recently widowed, slightly overweight mother of 2. I was married for 28 years and 9 month until my darling husband had the bad taste to suffer a pulmonary embolism and die. My children are in their 20's with life just beginning to open doors and clarify paths for them.

Having your spouse die is terrible on so many levels. Financial, emotional, physical and I think most of all mental. I hope to explore and share with you how this all adds to or subtracts from my life. You may find it interesting or you may not. Basically, I just need someone to talk to.

Here we go...

When my husband passed away so very suddenly, there seemed to be so much to do, but I had no idea how to do it. There were arrangements to be made, calls to be placed, people to console and the dog had to get his shots. Oh and I think there is a load of towels in the washer... OK that's how my mind was working... I kept bouncing from one thing to another. My brother kept saying that I was so organized. He kept seeing me with a pen and a pad of paper and assumed I was taking copious notes. I was writing down the bad things I wanted to say to my family, my husband's family, my kids and yep.. the dog.

There is no manual for what you are supposed to do when you are middle aged and your best friend and husband dies. The hospital handed me a pamphlet that said call your funeral home. Do I have a funeral home? What funeral? Do you decide based on closeness to your house? Are you supposed to shop around? View a few and see who has the best deals? I selected one near our home that seemed nice, I guess. The staff there was comforting. I can't imagine working in an industry like that. Do they use sick humor like hospitals do? I hope so.

The service was very nice I heard people say. I knew my husband so well that I chose to do the eulogy and act as MC. So many people had so many nice things to say. I can't remember the exact words but I knew at the time they were comforting to everyone...except me. I wasn't ready to be comforted.

Over the course of the next week or so people were in and out of my house. The "chicken network" shut down and I was left on my own. What is the "chicken network"? I have come to discover that there is some hidden communication command center that pops up whenever someone who is well loved dies. The network alerts those in the area that the family is in need of chicken. All types of chicken. Roasted, broasted, fried, Paprikash, tetrizzine and of course wings. Once the grieving family begins to have a reduction in chicken level.. the network sends out a signal and more chicken is dispatched. It's quite simple really. Then suddenly, I was alone.
That's when my greiving started in earnest. I went back to work. I was fine all day... smiled, laughed, joked.. but the car, was hell. I was inconsolable in the car. When you think about it, what a great place to really cry and scream your guts out. One day I was driving home, so very proud of myself that I was almost in my neighborhood and I hadn't broken down in a mess of mascara running, snotty nosed tears. Then it happened. A squirrel ran under my car and I hit him. I started to scream. My chest hurt, nose running and I couldn't breath. Was I a horrible monster? Another living thing dies while I'm near it. What does that say about me? Irrational I know but those are the thoughts that came to me as I pulled over. I made it home, had a glass of wine and went to bed. I avoided the area of the squirrels death for a week... choosing to go 3 miles out of my way so I didn't have to see any squirrel parts.

So we are now at just about 5 months into this process. I hear it gets less painful as time goes by. I hope so....