What or should I say, where is home? Some say it’s where you live or where those you love live. I’ve questioned this a lot in the past few months. Can you have more than one real home? Of course there are all the clichés about home being where the heart is or home is where your story begins but what does home mean to me?
I took a trip back to my home town this past weekend. It seemed exactly the same but so very different. It had grown with progress but had aged too. As you might think, it seemed smaller that I remember. I found comfort in seeing buildings and businesses that had been part of my childhood. I went back to see my kids. Both my children live in the area and I had decided I would take a drive to visit. I invited my sister-in-law along as her son had just been transferred to that area with the military. My nephew’s wife has recently returned from her 2nd or 3rd tour of duty in Afghanistan. These two soldiers are awe inspiring. They take their service to our country very seriously and I’m so proud of both of them. I have such trouble thinking of my nephew as a well respected military man. Not that he doesn’t deserve the respect, he does but he will always be this little tiny kid with a constant runny nose. My mental image of him is nothing like the tall, handsome, commanding man he is. My niece-in-law is an adorable, funny, kind woman who I look forward to getting to know. When my husband died, she had already been deployed. At first I didn’t think about her. A few days after he died, I had a dream. In my dream she was hurt. She was hurt very badly. For some reason my nephew and I were there with her as she lay suffering. In the dream I told my nephew it would be ok if she didn’t make it, his uncle, my husband would be there to take care of her in heaven. My nephew looked at me and in a very commanding voice said... “He can’t have her. I’m not done loving her yet”. I completely understood those feelings. I woke up from the dream so scared that something would happen to her. I knew she was coming home soon and they say that is the most dangerous time for a soldier. I’m sure if I had told her any of this, she would have understood why I held her so very tightly on Friday when I finally saw her. But now they are home, together. I have to say that my emotions were on high alert this weekend. I could feel tears and maybe sobs about to burst at any second. It could have been a “Mom” thing. It could be that the weekend marked 6 months since he died. Maybe it was that this was the first time since just after he died that we were all together. It may be as simple as this town was where we had spent a great deal of our married life, one of our many homes… and I was there, alone.
One of my objectives this weekend was to check out a local shelter and see if I could find a puppy that needed a home. My kids, my fabulous son-in-law to be included, visited the same shelter where we had obtained our beloved Max. We had Max for 11 great years and I thought we could see if lightning would strike twice. As we made out way through the kennels, looking at tons of puppies a little black lab mix caught our eye. I should say her eyes caught our attention, one black, one blue. We brought her out to the bonding area and she took to my son immediately. Since she was going to be my dog, I needed to see if we connected. The answer… no way. She wouldn’t make eye contact. It was ok. I’m a big girl and I know not everyone and everything is going to like me. Better to learn it now than to drive the 6 hours home and make that discovery. We went back to the kennels. Sitting in the same kennel, actually a sister to the blue/black eyed pup was the cutest brown, black, white and golden puppy I had every seen.
I immediately got the warm puppy kiss and she tucked her little head under my chin. I was hooked. If there is a pre-adoption class that puppies go through, basically how to reel people in, my puppy was valedictorian. So I adopted Bauer and she appears to have adopted me. Bauer now has a home and I have someone to come home to. This puppy will be spoiled and there is nothing I intend to do to stop that. This puppy will grow up to be a good sized dog and will be taught the basic social skills she will need. But this puppy will be over-loved, if that makes sense. She will sleep in my bed if she chooses and will be indulged as I see fit. I will keep this puppy safe, healthy and others safe from her. But there can be no mistake in my mind that I need to have this puppy. I need to shower someone or thing with love and attention. My genetic make-up requires it.
So Bauer is now safe in her own home. She has already attended her first hockey game, enjoyed a lovely breakfast at an outdoor café and taken a long car trip. She handled all of this with a great air of confidence. She will be a great part of the next chapter of my life and I certainly hope I will be the same for her.
I need to add, yesterday as I arrived at work and Bauer was beginning her first day on her own, I was actually panicked. Did I do the right thing? Will my dog walkers show up? Am I just being selfish? As I got out of the car, the big fat rabbit that seems to show up in the parking lot whenever I am filled with self doubt hopped out of the cattails and stared at me. I’ve come to take this rabbit’s visits as a sign. Right or wrong, I’ll accept this as a sign that this will all be good.
I hope so…
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