Wednesday - 8/30/2009 BFF

A sad thing happened today. I realized that I no longer have a best friend. Oh, I have many fabulous and ridiculously close friends. Some male, some female. But there is no one who knows all my secrets. There is no one who has seen me at my very best or at my extreme worst. There is no one who by just looking at me knows my mood. What a terrible thought. I no longer have that bond where I know I’m safe in whatever I want to say. I know there are those of my friends who I can say almost anything to, but it’s not the same. As an adult there are very few times it is appropriate to have a temper tantrum. But occasionally I have had that need. I could only do that with one person. That one person knew what I needed when I had a headache, a tummy ache or felt scared. My best friend knew what made me happy, sad or made me tick. He knew at what point I would get choked up when we attended weddings. He knew what size clothes I wear, what perfume I like and what moisturizer I slathered on my face. My best friend knew what frightened me and what made me laugh. This friend could give me a look solely to crack me up and it always worked. This was the person I always called when something funny or great or terrible was happening to me. My friend could and did talk me down from a million different situations. As my best friend did all this for me, I did the same for him. We became best friends before we ever married. This is by far the strongest and longest best friendship I ever had.

I’ve had a ton of best girlfriends in my time. We shared secrets and told stories about our “firsts”. First kisses, crushes, dates and the really big first… “it”. There are girls in this world who know details that they will never tell because it would break the best friend rules. I know so much about so many of my friends and I would never divulge a single secret, never ever. I know things that at this stage in our lives wouldn’t upset anyone to know about that person. But that’s not the point. The point is, you have to keep the secret because that story is yours to hold silently in your heart. It’s not your story to tell. It’s all about the relationship.

My late husband kept close to almost every relationship he ever formed. Let me tell you about a group of women he and I affectionately called “the girlfriends”. There are 4 women in the core group…but the number expands. These are women my husband had everything from a crush on to a few he had a more intense connection with. These women helped my husband become my husband. The women in this group could not be more different from each other. One is divorced and single, one happily married for a very long time, one divorced but in a committed relationship and one in a second marriage that from the outside looking in seems not to fulfill her needs. I’ve fallen in love with each of these women over the years. The phone call to one of these women when my husband died was gut wrenching to make. I literally held the phone for over an hour turning it on and off. The irony is that her phone number was in his phone and I never thought to copy it down and call her from my phone. They spoke often. As she picked up the phone, I heard her cheery voice say something like “hey baby” thinking it was my husband. When I said her name… I knew she knew. I heard her gulp in air and my heart began to break. Our kids had been on swim team together, we had gone out on Saturday nights, visited them when they relocated, we had attended her daughter’s wedding and celebrated when she and her husband became grand parents. I think I told her what I could and said I’d get back with her.Unfortunatly she was unable to attend the service. We will see each other for the first time in a few weeks. I am sure we will have a fabulous, long over due cry. Two of these women live very close to me. In the days between his death and the service, they made phone calls, brought food, sent flowers and called me to see how I was doing and what I needed. I always liked and loved all of these women. Now my sense of admiration, gratitude and respect for these women is a bit overwhelming. I will try very hard as I go on to tell and/or show these women what they don’t know, they have done for me. One of these women will laugh when she read this, because I think she will know I am talking about her. I always saw her as a fierce business woman. I’ll be honest; she intimidated the hell out of me. I thought she had it all, was it all. She is part of a family that is very well known and very respected in the area. Until just a few years ago, I had made assumptions about this family. You know what they say about assuming. Her family lost a brother a few years back. My husband and I attended the wake and I learned more about this family in that hour than I had in the years before. This was a good, strong, faithful, loving and above all, kind and caring family. They were hurt to their core at the loss of this son and brother. Watching them console the guests at the funeral home was a lesson in how to truly care for others and I was moved by their graciousness. I truly believe that their example in some small way helped me when I was called in to that role. I’ve since learned so much about the struggles in their live and I admire them for their ability to press on and be fabulous. My connection to this “girlfriend” continues to grow as we discover our commonalities. We have had some wonderful discussions on loss and love and what happens next. On to another amazing women, my little buddy is also one of “the girlfriends”. This lady, what can I say…? She has been there for me. All I have to do is pick up the phone. She has included me in many fun times. She had introduced me to her neighbors. I’ll even forgive her for yelling loudly in Whole Foods that she thought I needed to get… well you know the rest. I feel like she is the comic relief I’ve been missing since he died. She gets my sense of humor and she likes it. Not everyone does. This is a woman who is so open and accepting that I have felt comfortable with her and her family since the first time I met her. We have only known each other for a few years, maybe 4 and a half or so. I was once at a jewelry party at her home and we were bantering back and forth. A neighbor asked how many years we had been friends… we cracked up. I think one of us looked up and said “6 months”. The neighbor was shocked… so were we. It felt like we had been friends forever. The last of “the girlfriends” puzzles me. She is kind and beautiful and seemingly successful. But to me, behind her very beautiful eyes there is a sadness. I don’t know her as well as I know the others and I’m sorry for that. I believe at some point someone said I said I didn’t care for her and that is not true. I just don’t know her. I’d like very much to know her. I know we probably have more in common then not and I believe we could be a terrific support to and for each other.

These women added something to the life of the man I love. The man I married was the man I married because of the experiences he had up until the time we met and married. Without “the girlfriends” having been friends or dates or pals or lovers of my husband’s, I can’t say our marriage would have been what it was. So a toast to “the Girlfriends”… as the late great Frank Sinatra said…. “To you and your families, may I simply say here’s to everything you want, everything you wish, mostly love and sweet dreams, lots of kissin and huggin and all that stuff... Salute”.

So maybe I’ll get a new best friend or maybe I won’t. I do know I will do all I can to be... the best friend.

I hope so…