Thursday - 9/3/2009 Lonely

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely.

Being alone is when no one else is there. There are times you need to be alone. In the bathroom comes to mind. You should vote alone as well. I have always enjoyed time alone. When my late husband lived 600 miles away during the week, I was alone, as was he. But to my knowledge, we were never lonely. We missed each other and often called or e-mailed just to say…”I’m missing you”. But we always knew the other person was there or would be there in a matter of days. We knew there would be touches and hugs and the continuation of our connection.

I began to feel lonely almost as soon as he was taken to ICU. I knew I would never be or feel the same. I knew my house would never welcome this big wonderful man through its doors. I knew that while I was not alone, I was lonely. There is a place that I used to tell my husband was my favorite place in the world… the space between his shoulders and his chest… my head fit perfectly right there… perfect for snuggling and sleeping. I miss that place. I am lonely for his touch, his voice and his smell. A few days after he died, I was in our, my bedroom watching TV. I heard a loud crash. It was close by, in the house and it startled me. As I began to investigate, I discovered the entire side of our walk in closet that held his clothes had fallen off the wall. All of his suits, shirts, jackets and pants were in a heap on the floor. I took this as a huge sign that I should get rid of his…stuff. As I began to fold and pack up his items, I came upon a dress shirt that I always loved to see him in. I brought it to my face and took a big long deep breath. It smelled like him. A combination of Old Spice body wash, deodorant and after shave filled my senses. I started to cry. I couldn’t inhale enough to get this smell deeper inside me. I rubbed the shirt on my cheeks… remembering the feel his arms had when he wore this and encircled me in a hug. I was lonely for the man I loved. After calming down I continued to box up the clothing. I had decides to keep the shirt. I don’t know why but I thought that smell would last forever. It has not. Nothing does. I am not lonely at times when one would imagine. I’m fine at night. But in the morning I have difficulty even getting out of bed. Now, don’t take that as a tragic sign. My routine has been the same in the morning for many years. My husband loved to ease into the day. He would get up 2 hours before he had to leave for work. I could tell time by what step in his routine he was at each morning. I knew I could sleep until I heard the water shut off in the shower. By that point he had taken the dog out, watched the morning news, had breakfast and made coffee. On his way up to take a shower, he would bring my coffee to me. He would leave it on the nightstand ready and waiting. No one makes me coffee now. I have no human alarm. I cannot tell what time it is early in the morning.
A few years ago I worked the 4pm – 1am shift. I would get home about 2am. It was brutal in the winter. I would get into the house and be unable to shake off the chill. I mentioned one day that I was having trouble getting to sleep because I couldn’t get warm. The next night when I came home, there was a note on the table. The note simply said… look in the dryer. The dryer was running... odd. When I opened the dryer, very unsexy but very fluffy and comfy flannel pajamas were tumbling in wonderfully warm air. I changed into the warm, soft, and welcoming gown and headed upstairs to bed. Every night during that winter, I had warmed up jammies to snuggle into when I arrived home. I miss that.

I am lonely for someone who cannot wait to hear about my day. Someone who only feels they can relax from their day, after they have hugged me. I am lonely for someone to cook for... I’ve cooked for many people since he died but it isn’t the same. I am lonely for someone to pick up the slack, help make decisions, feel my forehead to see if I have a fever. I am lonely for someone to hold my hand. I am lonely for someone to make it all better. I am lonely for a connection to another human.

I am well aware that this is part of the process. The process of grieving and of life. This cannot be fixed by anyone other than the person who I believe will be put in my path to walk through the next steps of my life. When will this happen? I don’t know. I will pray it is soon, but I do not have a copy of the grand plan for my life. I believe it will happen when I am ready, when my kids are ready. I will be lonely but not alone. My wonderful family and friend will never allow that. I am eternally grateful for their support. I know this will not last forever. I believe God wouldn’t make me the person I am, with the needs, desires and feelings I have… to remain without a partner for longer than I can handle.

I hope so.